So, to say the least, it’s been a while…  I want to say my last post was sometime around July/August of 2015.  I was having a tough time, and that day, I found out information that made something “click” inside me that made me immediately move on from where I was at emotionally.  And I thought I was all better.  That I had “fixed” myself and was able to move on without any other outlet.  Boy was I wrong.

Even though I no longer sit around hoping and praying that “She” comes back into my life, I still have not been able to find any real peace with my personal life.  I just haven’t been able to take that next step.  It’s been one long string of misses with members of the opposite sex.  Now don’t get me wrong,  this situation is not all due to the fact that the only women I have met are train wrecks.  Far from it.  I have met some amazing women over the past few years.  But for some reason or another, nothing has seemed to pan out.

Now again, I have been out with some doozies.  Although I am glad for the fact, I’m amazed how some women can’t seem to hide their not so pleasant character traits such as, staunch racism, psychological dependency on a half gallon of wine each evening, and/or the inability to go on a date without checking their 17 social media sites constantly throughout the course of the night.  I think I have the same problem with the constant attention to phones, as I do the other laundry list of complaints.  No, I take that back.  The eye-opening racist remarks are the worst.  On one such date, about 45 minutes in, I stood up and said that I was going to go ahead and call it a night and that this would be our last time out.

Which gives way to the next group of women I have dated – The Ghosts.  This term is in reference to the women I have dated, whom I have actually had a good rapport with and they seemed to feel the same.  But for some reason, they decided to just cut off all contact with me for some reason that was never expressed.  And with the technological world we live in these days, someone can digitally stop responding to you, and as far as you know, they have disappeared off the face of the planet.  After a few of these, you start to take it personally.  I’d rather someone tell me they couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore than to just leave it up in the air like that, never knowing what was the character flaw in myself that drove them away.

And last but not least, there are the ones where I seem to be the problem.  These women have had no perceivable flaw whatsoever.  And I think there in lies the problem.  Due to a few decisions I have made in my past, I always feel like I am the sorriest person in the room at all times.  Or at least the sorriest in whatever room I happen to currently be in at the time.  I’m a Christian, but I also believe in karma.  Hopefully the light of our future is enough to one day drown out the shadows from our past.  I chose not to pursue these women based on my state of mind that I am not and will never be good enough to deserve someone like that.  Which in my mind, this is also the reason for the “Ghosts” in my life as well.  I just assume they came to the same conclusion about me that I already have.

And don’t get me wrong, it isn’t all bad times.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I stay plenty busy with my kids when I have them, work, and spending some time with friends and family.  But it is lonely sometimes.  I hope waking up alone never gets to be a part of my life that I just get accustomed to.  Feelings like that often lead to two outcomes; you either try and make yourself into the person you want the world to see and better the situation or after enough time you shut off that part of you and reside to just being okay with being alone.  I hope that time will show I chose the former over the latter.

After taking more time off from the blog than I ever intended, I hope I’m back for good.  I know I’ve said that before, but I truly hope it sticks this time.

Have a good day 😉

A. Failure